p.s.

I’m officially in college. I’m a college student. Wtf.

Mr. Bush-

Now, I’ve been thinking about something you said. That something went something like this “I sympathize with those that have lost someone close to them, but it would be a big mistake to pull out now.” Excuse moi? Pardon me? But that’s bullshit. Just like you. BUllSHit. The big mistake was going to Iraq in the first place. Wait, sorry, I’m wrong. The BIG MISTAKE was stealing the 2000 election in the first place! If you hadn’t stolen the election, there would have been no 9-11. There would have been no oil war. And there would have been no death of people who didn’t deserve to die. If Iraq has its own problems, let Iraq fix itself! Before we go barging into fix other countries problems, let’s fix our own first. You should know very well that there were no weapons of mass destruction held by the “evil-doers”.  You know, part of your job as president is to think of your people before yourself.

After that, in a little box, are the words after P1. On the next page there is a list of things I wanted to mention in this letter.

-abortion

-thou shalt not kill

-creationism taught in science class

-daughters not fighting

Anyway, that entertained me when I found it. Glad to know my grammar has improved over the years. You find crazy things when you clean out your closet!

In the meantime, though.

http://gabriellabella.tumblr.com/

I am not a conformist.

1) Eh.

2) Fuuuck.

3) I feel guilty.

4) Tired.

Wow. That could be completely misconstrued, so I should clarify. Nothing crazy happened to me. I didn’t hookup with anybody. I just feel guilty that I’m such a tease. And that I threw a cup of smirnoff into some dude’s face because I’m impulsive. And I was 100% sober the entire time.

That’s all. I’m going to watch the Avengers now. I’m tired.

1) Harry Potter painted shoes. I mean. Hell yeah. Be jealous. They are SO COOL.

2) Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

3) My aunt is going to get me a new computer for college. Chawow.

And a bunch of other REALLY COOL STUFF!!! I was pleasantly surprised. No Dr. Horrible, though. And I gave them lots of hints about that… oh well.

Anyway. The big thing that happened.

Remember that kid I was basically in love with? Well.. it was his first day back from college and he came over with one of my friends. I am so conflicted now. OH MY LIFE. Sit-com status all the fucking way. Not to mention my best friend was there. TThat made things awkward, considering the sitch. (She slept with him and lied to me about it. For months. Long story.) But it was really good to see him. He’s a good kid.

That’s all. Prom is tomorrow. No idea what to do with my hair. Sheeet.

Damn. You know, I honestly didn’t think I’d ever reach 18. I always thought I’d die some tragic death about a week before my birthday. Or even the day before.

Anyways, here I am, watching Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. It’s truly a great film. It’s funny and smart (and Keanu Reeves is hot and surprisingly good.) If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend that you do so immediately. I wish someone from the future would pop up in a time traveling telephone box.

I’m in a funk. I wish I weren’t, but hey. Que puedo hacer?

“Bill. Strange things are afoot at the circle K.”

My mom yelled at me about a half hour ago. She was sending me all around to get her glasses, to turn her lights off, to get the aloe vera, to do everything. It was just like, hey. Come one. You can get some of that, too. What are you doing? Lying in bed. And then she told me to plug in her computer and I said, “You can plug it in.” She just went off on me. Screaming at me. An hour before my birthday. We were going to watch a movie together, too. Something we rarely do. Instead, I go back to my room in tears. When I get there, she calls from her room. “You have to turn off my lights.”

“Gentlemen. We’re history.”

Ha. They just captured Napoleon and brought him back to San Dimas, 1988. George Carlin is such a baller.

Fireworks were going off then, too. Almost right in time for my birthday. It made everything really sad for some reason, as I sat here, watching this movie and talking to some people. I kind of just want to go to sleep.

“We got Sigmund Frood, Beeth-oven.”

17 more minutes of being 17.

I have to go to my oldest (but not best) friend’s graduation tomorrow morning. Great. Fuck I still have 3 weeks left of school, but I have to go o this fucker’s grad on my birthday. Well, at least if I get really stressed I can legally smoke some cigarettes. Too bad I hate smoking.

Eighteen, man.

“Hey Bill! This is like New Frontierland!”

“But you can get shot here, Ted.”

I realized today that I have been going to the same grocery store for 18 years. There are several people there who have literally watched me grow. I’m like one of those things you put in water, but instead of taking 18 hours, I’ve taken 18 years.

Ten minutes.

“So-crates.”

I’m so tired, still. I wish all my scones were here. Or that I was with them at leakycon. You know what sucks about having a birthday during a con? No midnight scones party. Oh, and being on the west coast doesn’t help.

“It’s a history report, not a babe report.”

“Bill…those are historical babes.”

Four more minutes. Jesus christ. I don’t know how much I’m actually looking forward to tomorrow. I think I’m just psyching myself out.

This is going to sound really selfish, but whatever. I know I’m not going to get anything I want for my birthday, because my parents aren’t creative enough/don’t know enough about me to think of anything to get me on their own. I didn’t give them a list, and a I usually do. I just wish they’d get it.

I’m feeling very low-key about this birthday, for some reason. Scary shit.

Prom is Sunday. I have an awesome, vintage dress. It’s kind of gorgeous, but needs to be a little fixed.

This is it, guys. Almost there.

25 seconds.

Crap. Eighteen, here I come.

15.

5.

I’m 18. Wow.

Right now, I’m at that place between contentedness and sadness…nostalgia, I suppose. I don’t know what I’m nostalgic for, I just am. I almost feel like crying, but at the same time…I don’t. It’s difficult to explain. I don’t have the words for this right now.

It might have something to do with the playlist I’m listening to. Maybe it’s because I’m a moody, capricious, gemini.

Anyway. I’m tired. Exhausted, even. I’m amazed I’m still up, but that’s the life of an insomniac for you.

So, on that note, I am going to watch Firefly, finally. Sad about something. Weird energy around. Too tired to finish thoughts now. It doesn’t have to be coherent.

Today is the day that children all over the country to out to brunch with their mothers or give them thoughtful gifts. Or make them breakfast. And all to celebrate how wonderful their mothers are (hopefully.) All to show their appreciation.

Today, I did not do this.

Today, I woke up at 4:30 AM, trashing and kicking in my bed with the most horrible headache and a fever. I was incredibly weak. (I actually hadn’t been sleeping that well. I’d been in pain all night, dealing with nightmares.) The only thing I could do was go downstairs and wake up my mom (who was sleeping on the couch because her brother is staying with us.)

And even though it was, by then, past 4:30 AM, not to mention mother’s day, she got up and made me some tea. She then found the advil for my throbbing head, and took me back upstairs. She stayed with me until I could finally go back to sleep.

Today, all day, my mom brought me soup and tea so that I would feel better.

I didn’t get her anything. (Well, my dad got her a gift card for a massage place and some flowers.) But today, I realized how important my mom is to me. I realized how much I am going to miss her next year. I realized that I have no idea what I’m going to do when I wake up at 4:30 AM next year. I realized that maybe, just maybe, I’m not quite ready for college yet.

And when I thank her, she said, “It’s okay, honey. I won’t be able to do it for much longer.” And I realized that she’s going to miss me too.

Mom. I know you’re never going to read this, but I love you so much. And I’m sorry we didn’t get to watch a movie tonight. I know that was the only thing you wanted.

I am not immune to guilty pleasures. I thought I was for a long time. Then I realized I was in denial, going through the steps of accepting/acknowledging guilty pleasures:

#1- You tell yourself that you’re watching/listening to something (like the Hannah Montana movie) “just to see how bad it it,”  even though deep down, you know you’re going to like it.

#2- You tell yourself that you hate whatever it is you’re listening to/watching.

#3- Even though you “hate” it, you watch it over and over again.

#4- After weeks of denial, you finally accept that you have a guilty pleasure.

#5- You continue watching, reading, listening. Non-stop.

#6- Oh, but you hide all evidence from your friends. (But they probably have the same guilty pleasure.)

#7- This includes lying to your friends, hiding CDs and books, illegally downloading music and watching movies on youtube, among other things.

#8- You finally admit your secret guilty pleasure to the world, no longer embarrassed. (this step is optional.)

(If you have any other steps, tell me in the comments and I will add them.)

So, now, I am at step 8. (Sort of. There should be a half step about telling the internet first.) Anyway, point being… here are some of my guilty pleasures (in no particular order.)

1. The Hannah Montana Movie/Miley Cyrus- Okay. I had been a Miley hater for ages. I mean, really. Miley Cyrus? Hannah Montana? No thanks. I had seen a few episodes of the show.. and I really hated it. Except, I didn’t at all. I just didn’t want to like it. Then Emily Voss showed me the Hoedown Throwdown. And… I still said I hated it. But then I learned the dance. And then I saw the movie. And then I realized, I, uh, like Miley Cyrus. Even though I’m against the everything she stands for (well, not her personally, but just her whole.. franchise.)

2. Taylor Swift- Admittedly, I had never heard any of Taylor Swift’s music until yesterday. And yeah, I only watched her music video of You Belong With Me because I’m in love with Lucas Till (who was Miley’s love interest in the HM movie.) But then… I started dancing. And listening to it over an over. And singing along. And I realized I liked it. So then I downloaded her album. And I actually legitimately like it. It’s fun. I mean, she’s not the Beatles, but who is? Will I tell my friends? Probably not. Because, I mean, she’s, uh, Taylor Swift. (I actually had no idea who the hell she was until yesterday. I was thinking somewhere along the lines of Hillary Duff.)

3. Twilight- I read Twilight a few months before it became some huge thing around here. Not many people actually knew what it was. Yes, I read it because I wanted to see the movie because R. Pattz was in it. (I have GREAT reasons for things.) And while it’s not great piece of literature (AT ALL) I still read it. Whatevs. But when I say that Twilight is my guilty pleasure, I am in no way shape or form referring to the books. When I mention Twilight, I am 100% talking about the movie. Yes, it was horrible. Yes, it makes me angry whenever I see it. Yes, I laughed the entire way through when I first saw it. And yet, I still bought the 2-disc special edition. And yes, I do watch it a lot. And I have seen every extra on both discs. I’ll say it: I love Twilight. It’s one of those things that’s so bad, it’s just… absolutely AMAZING. (Fun fact: the meadow scene was filmed about 5 minutes away from me.)

4. Zac Efron- First of all, I would just like to say that he is not a gnome. Nor is he a troll. He’s actually pretty sexy. Just. Yeah. I just try to ignore HSM, AND LOOK AT HIS BODY AND FACE. His smile. I mean, Jesus. I’m not trying to convert anybody, so I’ll end this here. Everyone who agrees with me knows what I’m talking about.

5. America’s Next Top Model- I hate reality TV. And yet, for the past two years, I have been in love with ANTM. I say I watch it for the photo shoots (so that I can maintain some dignity,) but really… I just love the whole thing. The photos, the makeovers, the outfits, the drama, the judges. Every. Single. Thing. (And I secretly want to be on the show. But I’m too tall, now.

6. Bad Disney Movies- Such as Get a Clue. Zenon. The one about the male mermaid. You know what I’m talking about. I don’t really think this needs an explanation.

7. Mamma Mia- The movie. The musical. ABBA in general. Again, this one is pretty self-explanatory.

And… honestly, I can’t think of any more. I just had to get that off my chest. Maybe I’ll add more if I can think of them.

OH WAIT. I remembered one!

8. High School Musical- JUST KIDDING. It really pisses me off.

So there are some of my guilty pleasures. What are yours?

And don’t try to deny them. That’s no fun at all.

(p.s.- I don’t blame you if you lose respect for me after you read this. I’ve kind of lost respect for myself as well. But, um, I don’t give a damn anymore [sort of.])

Edit- So, I’m just going to put any ones I remember here. So far: Demi Lovato and Katy Perry.

This represents a few problems for me.

#1- The dress. Or should I say, lack of one? Basically, I have no idea what I’m going to wear. For the past few years, I normally buy the dress the day of whatever dance, but this year, I want to put some time and thought into it. I don’t want the process to be rushed and stressful and not fun. Oh god. I’m talking about buying a dress. This is so unme. WHATEVER. I can act girly, too, sometimes. Anyway. I want to spend the time…. BUT I FORGOT, I DON’T HAVE TIME! YAY! Oh, and also now that my hair is red, that cuts the color choices. And no, I don’t want to wear black again, I always wear black (see: every dance since sophomore year. Except for 11th grade Winter Formal. Um.) Maybe green?

#2- Shoes. Shoes are just annoying. End of story. Problems with being tall: heels make you even taller. (See: 6 feet tall instead of 5’9. Also see: taller than ALL GUYS.)

#3- Speaking of guys. I want a date. But my options are limited. Translation: there is absolutely nobody to take to prom. You know, when I was younger, I always imagined that some amazing, funny, sweet, perfect guy would romantically ask me to prom and everything would be perfect, because, everything always ends perfectly, right? Oh, I was so naive. Then reality hit me. There are very few nice guys (see: none.) And among the few nice guys there are, basically none of them are available (see: gay.) Beyond niceness, no one is a)amazing, b) funny, c)sweet, or d) perfect. And I am attracted to none of them because they are all fugly assholes. (Well, except for that one guy last year, but guess what? Now he’s a shell of a person, apparently!) There would be no problem if I wanted to go with an asshole or a friend. Thing is, I don’t.

Those are my 3 (but really only 2) big problems with planning prom. (I can’t handle all the alliteration.)

Then there are the smaller things like, #4- makeup, #5-hair, and #6-insert problem here. I’m sure there’s one out there.

(In other, non-prom news: AP Gov test is over; I have half of SH5 to read by tomorrow; I’m in love with HIMYM-especially Barney; and I have an audition for Romeo and Juliet on Thursday after the AP lit test. Also, what’s up with the parentheses?)