plane to college

Right now, I’m on a Jet Blue plane for New York City. In the morning, I will be at Bard College for my first day of college, but for now, I am anxiously waiting for this 4 hour and 40 minute plane ride to be over. I’ve never flown Jet Blue before, but let me tell you, I am a fan of the TV on the back of each seat- usually you only find those on international flights. Anyway, because I have this convenient little television in front of me, I can mindlessly flip through station after station of live crap. Currently, I think I’m watching CSI. While the show is just as wonderfully dramatic as I predicted (especially since it’s about murder at an opera!,) I must say that the commercials played really take the cake for entertainment. (Okay, I might take that back. This show is hilarious. The chick investigator just said “whatever little stick you pointed at her” to a conductor. Oh my.) For example, I just saw a commercial about a woman who used men to get jewelry. She was blatantly talking about how she had pitted men against each other and used their money and jealousy for her own benefit. Of course, now she wants to get this jewelry “out of [her] life,” hence the point of the commercial. (It’s like etsy but for jewelry from failed relationships? I don’t know.) Anyway. I know this stuff happens in real life, but I’ve never seen a commercial about it! What is this world coming to? It was very funny. (Right now in the show, some dude has bite marks on his neck. Not from a vampire. And I’m also sure that every episode of every serious crime show must include the line “I want to speak with my client. Alone.” In that order. I think it’s a law.) And there was another commercial from Trojan (as in condoms) about vibrators that you put on your finger! What the hell. I mean… I’ve never thought advertising on TV could be so… I don’t even have a word for it. Uncomfortable? Racy? Weird? At it wasn’t even the typical young teenage girls talking about their sex lives, it was older women! I felt a little awkward; I’m not going to deny it. Not to mention that the tagline was something along the lines of: Finally, a vibrator girls aren’t embarrassed to talk about in public. I’m sorry, but I think that’s always going to be a strange conversation. So I don’t really mind watching these commercials. I also came to the conclusion that even though I’ve never watched a full cooking show in my life, I am extremely prejudiced against any sort of cooking competition or show not on the Food Network. Bravo is having something like that… it makes me angry. What a rip-off. (Oh no. This is turning into something about a mad cow-esque form of dementia. Great for a hypochondriac like me!) I think I have about 2 ½ more hours of this flight. I’m exhausted. Today, after spending the morning finishing packing, I went to my dear friend Lily’s memorial. It was extremely emotional, to say the least. I read the poem “From Blossoms” by Li Young-Lee. I HATE TURBULENCE. SO MUCH. It was, hands down, the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. Now I’m watching some mini-Tarzan wild child movie? What is this? He’s like 13, and he keeps calling this guy (his father figure?) Baboon. And his life is a reality TV show? Not like the Truman Show…. OH. ANOTHER COMMERCIAL. It’s for some phone dating service. E-harmony for the phone. Why not just come clean and say it’s for phone sex? I’m so tired, as you can see by the quality of my sentences. And this is also probably riddled with typos. It’s now 3:06 a.m. EST. I’m sad to be leaving the far superior PST behind, but I have a lot of friends in this time zone. So that’s nice. Oh my god. I can’t believe I’m starting college today. Fuck. I get off the plane, we get a rental car, we drive up to Bard, and I go to class. With basically no sleep. I need to sleep. (When I saw the shoulders on this gown, I said to myself, “Fiona…this is the future of fashion. Oh, the 80s. Also. Must my allergies follow me everywhere?) Anyway. I really have no idea what to expect with college. I also can’t articulate right now. I haven’t even finished my required reading! Gah. Um. The dude on this show just ate a cat? What the fuck? And the dad guy just shot himself in the foot with a poison arrow. Way to go, man. And on that thought, I will leave you. By the time I post this, I will be in college…. And who knows what else will have happened.

p.s.

I’m officially in college. I’m a college student. Wtf.

dear george bush

This is a letter I wrote in a fit of anger way back in 2005. It’s… interesting to say the least. I found it in a random notebook while cleaning my room today. So, here is it in its non-edited form.

Mr. Bush-

As you may or may not have noticed (I understand your brain isn’t very quick) there are currently many people camped out in front of your stupid ranch at the moment because they have lost someone important to them in this war. I’m not sure that you understand this considering you went A-WOL and your daughters have not gone off to valiantly fight for their country, which you, their FATHER, is the PRESIDENT of.

Now, I’ve been thinking about something you said. That something went something like this “I sympathize with those that have lost someone close to them, but it would be a big mistake to pull out now.” Excuse moi? Pardon me? But that’s bullshit. Just like you. BUllSHit. The big mistake was going to Iraq in the first place. Wait, sorry, I’m wrong. The BIG MISTAKE was stealing the 2000 election in the first place! If you hadn’t stolen the election, there would have been no 9-11. There would have been no oil war. And there would have been no death of people who didn’t deserve to die. If Iraq has its own problems, let Iraq fix itself! Before we go barging into fix other countries problems, let’s fix our own first. You should know very well that there were no weapons of mass destruction held by the “evil-doers”.  You know, part of your job as president is to think of your people before yourself.

After that, in a little box, are the words after P1. On the next page there is a list of things I wanted to mention in this letter.

-abortion

-thou shalt not kill

-creationism taught in science class

-daughters not fighting

Anyway, that entertained me when I found it. Glad to know my grammar has improved over the years. You find crazy things when you clean out your closet!

So…. I need to write a post soon. I HAVE SO MUCH TO WRITE ABOUT and no motivation. Such is life.

In the meantime, though.

http://gabriellabella.tumblr.com/

I am not a conformist.

prom

I have a lot to say about prom, but I think I’m just going to write it down in my jounral instead. Let me just say this:

1) Eh.

2) Fuuuck.

3) I feel guilty.

4) Tired.

Wow. That could be completely misconstrued, so I should clarify. Nothing crazy happened to me. I didn’t hookup with anybody. I just feel guilty that I’m such a tease. And that I threw a cup of smirnoff into some dude’s face because I’m impulsive. And I was 100% sober the entire time.

That’s all. I’m going to watch the Avengers now. I’m tired.

birthday fun

I only have a few things to say. First, cool things I got:

1) Harry Potter painted shoes. I mean. Hell yeah. Be jealous. They are SO COOL.

2) Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

3) My aunt is going to get me a new computer for college. Chawow.

And a bunch of other REALLY COOL STUFF!!! I was pleasantly surprised. No Dr. Horrible, though. And I gave them lots of hints about that… oh well.

Anyway. The big thing that happened.

Remember that kid I was basically in love with? Well.. it was his first day back from college and he came over with one of my friends. I am so conflicted now. OH MY LIFE. Sit-com status all the fucking way. Not to mention my best friend was there. TThat made things awkward, considering the sitch. (She slept with him and lied to me about it. For months. Long story.) But it was really good to see him. He’s a good kid.

That’s all. Prom is tomorrow. No idea what to do with my hair. Sheeet.

eighteen.

So. In about 40 minutes, I turn 18. (Well, technically I was born at 7:06 am, but whatever.)

Damn. You know, I honestly didn’t think I’d ever reach 18. I always thought I’d die some tragic death about a week before my birthday. Or even the day before.

Anyways, here I am, watching Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. It’s truly a great film. It’s funny and smart (and Keanu Reeves is hot and surprisingly good.) If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend that you do so immediately. I wish someone from the future would pop up in a time traveling telephone box.

I’m in a funk. I wish I weren’t, but hey. Que puedo hacer?

“Bill. Strange things are afoot at the circle K.”

My mom yelled at me about a half hour ago. She was sending me all around to get her glasses, to turn her lights off, to get the aloe vera, to do everything. It was just like, hey. Come one. You can get some of that, too. What are you doing? Lying in bed. And then she told me to plug in her computer and I said, “You can plug it in.” She just went off on me. Screaming at me. An hour before my birthday. We were going to watch a movie together, too. Something we rarely do. Instead, I go back to my room in tears. When I get there, she calls from her room. “You have to turn off my lights.”

“Gentlemen. We’re history.”

Ha. They just captured Napoleon and brought him back to San Dimas, 1988. George Carlin is such a baller.

Fireworks were going off then, too. Almost right in time for my birthday. It made everything really sad for some reason, as I sat here, watching this movie and talking to some people. I kind of just want to go to sleep.

“We got Sigmund Frood, Beeth-oven.”

17 more minutes of being 17.

I have to go to my oldest (but not best) friend’s graduation tomorrow morning. Great. Fuck I still have 3 weeks left of school, but I have to go o this fucker’s grad on my birthday. Well, at least if I get really stressed I can legally smoke some cigarettes. Too bad I hate smoking.

Eighteen, man.

“Hey Bill! This is like New Frontierland!”

“But you can get shot here, Ted.”

I realized today that I have been going to the same grocery store for 18 years. There are several people there who have literally watched me grow. I’m like one of those things you put in water, but instead of taking 18 hours, I’ve taken 18 years.

Ten minutes.

“So-crates.”

I’m so tired, still. I wish all my scones were here. Or that I was with them at leakycon. You know what sucks about having a birthday during a con? No midnight scones party. Oh, and being on the west coast doesn’t help.

“It’s a history report, not a babe report.”

“Bill…those are historical babes.”

Four more minutes. Jesus christ. I don’t know how much I’m actually looking forward to tomorrow. I think I’m just psyching myself out.

This is going to sound really selfish, but whatever. I know I’m not going to get anything I want for my birthday, because my parents aren’t creative enough/don’t know enough about me to think of anything to get me on their own. I didn’t give them a list, and a I usually do. I just wish they’d get it.

I’m feeling very low-key about this birthday, for some reason. Scary shit.

Prom is Sunday. I have an awesome, vintage dress. It’s kind of gorgeous, but needs to be a little fixed.

This is it, guys. Almost there.

25 seconds.

Crap. Eighteen, here I come.

15.

5.

I’m 18. Wow.

I feel as empty as a drum

I’m in a weird place right now, as I lie here, in bed. I can’t sleep, even though I’m absolutely exhausted. I don’t pick up the phone when my prom date calls. I don’t know why. I guess I just don’t feel like dealing with anything. I don’t even feel like dealing with this. I just.. I don’t know. I wanted to write a blog, but by the time I got started, I decided I didn’t want to anymore. Well, I felt that I couldn’t. I couldn’t think of what to say.

Right now, I’m at that place between contentedness and sadness…nostalgia, I suppose. I don’t know what I’m nostalgic for, I just am. I almost feel like crying, but at the same time…I don’t. It’s difficult to explain. I don’t have the words for this right now.

It might have something to do with the playlist I’m listening to. Maybe it’s because I’m a moody, capricious, gemini.

Anyway. I’m tired. Exhausted, even. I’m amazed I’m still up, but that’s the life of an insomniac for you.

So, on that note, I am going to watch Firefly, finally. Sad about something. Weird energy around. Too tired to finish thoughts now. It doesn’t have to be coherent.

Mother’s Day

Today is mother’s day.

Today is the day that children all over the country to out to brunch with their mothers or give them thoughtful gifts. Or make them breakfast. And all to celebrate how wonderful their mothers are (hopefully.) All to show their appreciation.

Today, I did not do this.

Today, I woke up at 4:30 AM, trashing and kicking in my bed with the most horrible headache and a fever. I was incredibly weak. (I actually hadn’t been sleeping that well. I’d been in pain all night, dealing with nightmares.) The only thing I could do was go downstairs and wake up my mom (who was sleeping on the couch because her brother is staying with us.)

And even though it was, by then, past 4:30 AM, not to mention mother’s day, she got up and made me some tea. She then found the advil for my throbbing head, and took me back upstairs. She stayed with me until I could finally go back to sleep.

Today, all day, my mom brought me soup and tea so that I would feel better.

I didn’t get her anything. (Well, my dad got her a gift card for a massage place and some flowers.) But today, I realized how important my mom is to me. I realized how much I am going to miss her next year. I realized that I have no idea what I’m going to do when I wake up at 4:30 AM next year. I realized that maybe, just maybe, I’m not quite ready for college yet.

And when I thank her, she said, “It’s okay, honey. I won’t be able to do it for much longer.” And I realized that she’s going to miss me too.

Mom. I know you’re never going to read this, but I love you so much. And I’m sorry we didn’t get to watch a movie tonight. I know that was the only thing you wanted.

guilty pleasures

Okay. Admit it: no matter how much you claim to have good taste in music, film, and literature (and no matter how much you claim to like only the best of the best of everything) you have guilty pleasures. You either love something so deliciously horrible that it’s wonderful, or you genuinely like something that everyone else deems stupid and bad. And don’t you dare try to deny it. I mean, just because you’re too embarrassed to admit to it, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist.

I am not immune to guilty pleasures. I thought I was for a long time. Then I realized I was in denial, going through the steps of accepting/acknowledging guilty pleasures:

#1- You tell yourself that you’re watching/listening to something (like the Hannah Montana movie) “just to see how bad it it,”  even though deep down, you know you’re going to like it.

#2- You tell yourself that you hate whatever it is you’re listening to/watching.

#3- Even though you “hate” it, you watch it over and over again.

#4- After weeks of denial, you finally accept that you have a guilty pleasure.

#5- You continue watching, reading, listening. Non-stop.

#6- Oh, but you hide all evidence from your friends. (But they probably have the same guilty pleasure.)

#7- This includes lying to your friends, hiding CDs and books, illegally downloading music and watching movies on youtube, among other things.

#8- You finally admit your secret guilty pleasure to the world, no longer embarrassed. (this step is optional.)

(If you have any other steps, tell me in the comments and I will add them.)

So, now, I am at step 8. (Sort of. There should be a half step about telling the internet first.) Anyway, point being… here are some of my guilty pleasures (in no particular order.)

1. The Hannah Montana Movie/Miley Cyrus- Okay. I had been a Miley hater for ages. I mean, really. Miley Cyrus? Hannah Montana? No thanks. I had seen a few episodes of the show.. and I really hated it. Except, I didn’t at all. I just didn’t want to like it. Then Emily Voss showed me the Hoedown Throwdown. And… I still said I hated it. But then I learned the dance. And then I saw the movie. And then I realized, I, uh, like Miley Cyrus. Even though I’m against the everything she stands for (well, not her personally, but just her whole.. franchise.)

2. Taylor Swift- Admittedly, I had never heard any of Taylor Swift’s music until yesterday. And yeah, I only watched her music video of You Belong With Me because I’m in love with Lucas Till (who was Miley’s love interest in the HM movie.) But then… I started dancing. And listening to it over an over. And singing along. And I realized I liked it. So then I downloaded her album. And I actually legitimately like it. It’s fun. I mean, she’s not the Beatles, but who is? Will I tell my friends? Probably not. Because, I mean, she’s, uh, Taylor Swift. (I actually had no idea who the hell she was until yesterday. I was thinking somewhere along the lines of Hillary Duff.)

3. Twilight- I read Twilight a few months before it became some huge thing around here. Not many people actually knew what it was. Yes, I read it because I wanted to see the movie because R. Pattz was in it. (I have GREAT reasons for things.) And while it’s not great piece of literature (AT ALL) I still read it. Whatevs. But when I say that Twilight is my guilty pleasure, I am in no way shape or form referring to the books. When I mention Twilight, I am 100% talking about the movie. Yes, it was horrible. Yes, it makes me angry whenever I see it. Yes, I laughed the entire way through when I first saw it. And yet, I still bought the 2-disc special edition. And yes, I do watch it a lot. And I have seen every extra on both discs. I’ll say it: I love Twilight. It’s one of those things that’s so bad, it’s just… absolutely AMAZING. (Fun fact: the meadow scene was filmed about 5 minutes away from me.)

4. Zac Efron- First of all, I would just like to say that he is not a gnome. Nor is he a troll. He’s actually pretty sexy. Just. Yeah. I just try to ignore HSM, AND LOOK AT HIS BODY AND FACE. His smile. I mean, Jesus. I’m not trying to convert anybody, so I’ll end this here. Everyone who agrees with me knows what I’m talking about.

5. America’s Next Top Model- I hate reality TV. And yet, for the past two years, I have been in love with ANTM. I say I watch it for the photo shoots (so that I can maintain some dignity,) but really… I just love the whole thing. The photos, the makeovers, the outfits, the drama, the judges. Every. Single. Thing. (And I secretly want to be on the show. But I’m too tall, now.

6. Bad Disney Movies- Such as Get a Clue. Zenon. The one about the male mermaid. You know what I’m talking about. I don’t really think this needs an explanation.

7. Mamma Mia- The movie. The musical. ABBA in general. Again, this one is pretty self-explanatory.

And… honestly, I can’t think of any more. I just had to get that off my chest. Maybe I’ll add more if I can think of them.

OH WAIT. I remembered one!

8. High School Musical- JUST KIDDING. It really pisses me off.

So there are some of my guilty pleasures. What are yours?

And don’t try to deny them. That’s no fun at all.

(p.s.- I don’t blame you if you lose respect for me after you read this. I’ve kind of lost respect for myself as well. But, um, I don’t give a damn anymore [sort of.])

Edit- So, I’m just going to put any ones I remember here. So far: Demi Lovato and Katy Perry.

pre-prom woes

So, according to the widget on my computer, my 18th birthday is in approximately 18 days and 5 hours. So, 18 days (OH COOL. My 18th birthday is in 18 days! Get it? Har.) Now, I know math is not my strong (I definitely typed prom instead of strong- freudian slip?) suit, but I’m pretty sure that means that prom, which is the day after my birthday, is in about 19 days.

This represents a few problems for me.

#1- The dress. Or should I say, lack of one? Basically, I have no idea what I’m going to wear. For the past few years, I normally buy the dress the day of whatever dance, but this year, I want to put some time and thought into it. I don’t want the process to be rushed and stressful and not fun. Oh god. I’m talking about buying a dress. This is so unme. WHATEVER. I can act girly, too, sometimes. Anyway. I want to spend the time…. BUT I FORGOT, I DON’T HAVE TIME! YAY! Oh, and also now that my hair is red, that cuts the color choices. And no, I don’t want to wear black again, I always wear black (see: every dance since sophomore year. Except for 11th grade Winter Formal. Um.) Maybe green?

#2- Shoes. Shoes are just annoying. End of story. Problems with being tall: heels make you even taller. (See: 6 feet tall instead of 5’9. Also see: taller than ALL GUYS.)

#3- Speaking of guys. I want a date. But my options are limited. Translation: there is absolutely nobody to take to prom. You know, when I was younger, I always imagined that some amazing, funny, sweet, perfect guy would romantically ask me to prom and everything would be perfect, because, everything always ends perfectly, right? Oh, I was so naive. Then reality hit me. There are very few nice guys (see: none.) And among the few nice guys there are, basically none of them are available (see: gay.) Beyond niceness, no one is a)amazing, b) funny, c)sweet, or d) perfect. And I am attracted to none of them because they are all fugly assholes. (Well, except for that one guy last year, but guess what? Now he’s a shell of a person, apparently!) There would be no problem if I wanted to go with an asshole or a friend. Thing is, I don’t.

Those are my 3 (but really only 2) big problems with planning prom. (I can’t handle all the alliteration.)

Then there are the smaller things like, #4- makeup, #5-hair, and #6-insert problem here. I’m sure there’s one out there.

(In other, non-prom news: AP Gov test is over; I have half of SH5 to read by tomorrow; I’m in love with HIMYM-especially Barney; and I have an audition for Romeo and Juliet on Thursday after the AP lit test. Also, what’s up with the parentheses?)